Do You Remember Mary?
11:30 PM
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| Mary Magdalene washing Jesus' feet (Credit to the rightful owner of the photo) |
Today, it is still clear to me how my early growing
years were developed. They were never different from any young boys except for
the first few years in my life and the later years after my 15th
birthday. Something is being unlocked.
Well, it has been 18 years now. I still remember Vienna.
She was a beautiful and brilliant lady, and I first met her in the early days
as a college student at the university. On some days, I’d have to set a group
date just to see her closely in her happiest moments with common friends. Every
turn of classes I’d make sure to come early in the classroom and prepare a seat
for her beside me, and during breaks we’d love to share any stories away from
the regular school life with common friends. Indeed, it was pretty cool sharing
unusual stuff and not being bookish for sometimes. Unfortunate it seemed, I
never confided what my feeling was for her. I wasn’t committed and perplexity was
inside me. I never told her I love her, so we separated ways as just mere friends
and classmates.
Eleven years later, I met Karen. I still remember
her tactfulness and her dedication. I first met her in my college class at a university.
Yes, she was my student. Her simplicity and vibrancy were deeply knitted into
her being making her likable by any men. I admired the way she handled herself.
Methinks I had the same suppressed feeling as before, so nothing ever
materialized.
Maybe you’re thinking right at this very moment that
they are just made-up characters. No. Their names are true. They indeed had
been part of the circuitous and complicated life I have been engaged in,
one-sided though.
Today, I turn another chapter of my life and I’m not
getting any younger. And, until now too many people have still been asking me
the same questions – if I ever have a
girlfriend or when do I get married. The same questions have kept boggling my
mind. So when will this kind of questioning come to an end?
I’ve met a lot of people. Some were loose. Some were
just fine. Some made marks. There are a few however who bring simple joy but with pure intent. I regret not having known each of them so well and them knowing
me more. Today, I don’t want people to hint about my being me. I don’t want
people to ask me the same question over and over. Indeed, for people like me,
there is always a burden and a great deal to tell the world of what and who we
are. This world is full of people mouthing loudly about us at our back and
anxiously waiting for our confession in public for them to rightly deduce or
conclude the prejudices and suppositions that they have long believed that you
and me are homosexuals and that we are alien on this “straight” male-and-female-dominating
world.
Roughly, it has been taking me decades to confront
reality. For me, it is a painful and continuing battle, a mental torture. It is
freedom to set free versus societal condemnation. It is self-empowerment versus
holding back due to personal, school, work, and familial connections. It is
freedom to choose versus religion’s mandate.
There have been too many attempts at establishing
the real science behind the making of a gay person. Inconclusive, the reasons
encompass to child abuse, environment, genetics, and the list goes on and on. In
order to better understand the case, fact-finding must have come from a
personal experience and firsthand source. Unfortunately, mine even caught me by
surprise.
So why does opening up this new chapter of my
personhood matter to me?
A dear friend said, "Some don't tell because they are just busy judging other people and their stories." It may seem right. But let me put my own perspective.
A dear friend said, "Some don't tell because they are just busy judging other people and their stories." It may seem right. But let me put my own perspective.
First, the world is still full of homophobes.
Opening up is tantamount to getting the needed respect whatever form of human
we are in a society where everyone is created equal. Equality is never confined
to straight people only. It goes beyond the confinements of even the least
living beings. Whenever people would get the thorough understanding of the issue,
even ants would be happy being respected by humans.
And, second, in conservative religious organizations like
mine, gay people are regarded as social outcasts; it may not be due to its doctrines but due to its people who are yet unwelcoming at such an idea of having gays inside the church. The silence or gestures of these few
people somehow make a drawback leading to neglect and the undermining of the real issue.
Rightly so, it is the full understanding of this serious matter that will give the church a better edge at welcoming, supporting, and bringing these gay people closer to the Creator rather than letting them feel contemptible and aloof.
Rightly so, it is the full understanding of this serious matter that will give the church a better edge at welcoming, supporting, and bringing these gay people closer to the Creator rather than letting them feel contemptible and aloof.
Inge Anderson, a publisher of Sabbath School Net and
a retired teacher from British Columbia, Canada, asked straightforwardly,
“Would Jesus hang out with gay people too?” The question was posted on the
premise that sexual intimacy belongs only
within the marital relationship of a man and a woman. This is the same
belief that my church is holding based on the design established by God at
creation.
It is crystal clear that God’s design is never
inconsistent with His character. Being gay therefore is a consequence of sin.
God definitely loves the sinner but not the sin. God therefore loves gay people
but not the "practices" perpetuated by them.
Now, I remember Mary. She was neither my classmate nor
my student. In his book, “At Jesus' Feet: The Gospel According to Mary
Magdalene,” Doug Batchelor describes Mary Magdalene as a prosperous prostitute, but her life was one sad, sordid story until
she met Someone who loved her with a pure, unconditional love and the shame of
her past was eclipsed by her absolute devotion to the One who set her free.
Mary demonstrated three traits worthy of
merit: a great love, a tenacious loyalty, and a perfect devotion. Just from
that statement, it is undeniably a gospel in itself. It is a present truth for
all who fail to recognize Jesus’ saving grace. Such demonstration of her springs from a life that was dirty and
broken.
Yesterday, there was the unsung struggle of Mary
Magdalene. Today, too many are still outcasts. They are the minority who suffer
from all kinds of bullying and vindictiveness that often create further indignation
rather than compassion.
Like Anderson's opinion, I am also sure that Jesus would hang out with gay people just
like what He did with Mary Magdalene, the tax collectors, the Samaritan woman,
and the other social outcasts in His time. I am sure that Jesus welcomes with
an open heart those who are lost rather than those who are already blessed with
His righteousness. Down my own Via Dolorosa, I cannot just carry my cross. He
is all the more I need to reveal His true character in me.
As I begin to journey into an unfamiliar world and
moving onward to a life of aloneness, there is no better present I wish to get from
people but pure respect, not just for me but for all those men and women who are challenged in
all life’s difficulties and capriciousness. I may be weak in personality but
not in spirit; you may be the reverse. So, judging others and talking about
them are neither a guarantee to your success and eminence nor a
guarantee to a beautiful life after death. As I grow entangled, do not look at what I have
become but pray for me. Look into your Master Creator as He promises to work
with anyone of us in mysterious ways especially in becoming closer to Him day
by day.
Expect nothing from me but the same person you know
from the start. There is no need to flaunt colors. There is no need to change a
lifestyle unsuited and uncalled for. Enough is the person you see in me and I
am no other person. I am just gay.
To my family and friends, if you felt humiliated
because I outed, so be it. I can’t change your way of thinking, but I can
surely change the way you see things. However you form your perspective, it is
still looking at the bigger picture that understanding is being made fully understandable.
I rest my case.
